Well, here we are — the final college football game until August. Washington-Michigan. Michael Penix Jr. vs. JJ McCarthy. Jim Harbaugh vs. whoever the Huskies’ head coach is. Katya Kuropas vs. Olivia Carter.
That last one is a WAG battle, for those who couldn’t piece it together. It’s an elite one, too. You’ll see.
Welcome to a Monday Nightcaps — the one where I act like everything is great even though I’m a miserable Dolphins fan.
I hate everything. I’ll tell you I don’t care and I’m numb to it and blah blah blah, but you all know it’s not true. I’m in shambles today, but I’m also a professional and I plan on acting like one.
So, yes — we power through. We’re gonna talk about Michael Penix Jr., not only because I’m HAMMERING the Washington moneyline tonight, but also because Olivia Carter deserves some shine. Speaking of betting …
Oh yeah, the heater continued over the weekend, including one of the greatest backdoor covers of my life courtesy of Jameis Damn Winston. You’ll see.
What else? Stephanie Niles — a Nightcaps OG who we welcomed to class way back in September — officially graduated class yesterday. She’s now a household name. I just hope she doesn’t forget her roots. Only time will tell.
I also got an absolute FLURRY of emails late Friday into Saturday in response to the sit-down pee controversy from Friday’s class. Turns out you guys are all in on the squat. And I mean all the hell in. What an outcry.
We’ve also got more fallout (literally) from the Alaska Airlines flight that disintegrated at 30,000 feet (ya’ll with me yet on the flying sucks thing or no?) and a viral TikTok video that certainly won’t raise anymore eyebrows in the wake of the alien abduction in Miami.
How’s that for a tease?!
Let’s be like the Buffalo Bills and ride (straight into the postseason as the No. 2 seed!):
Michael Penix Jr. and Washington are the bettor play tonight
…. Right?
I mean, we all watched both games last Monday, and I don’t know how you come out of that thinking Michigan is better. Washington has the better quarterback by a mile in Michael Penix Jr., the better playmakers, and the defense ain’t your typical Pac-12 defense. It’s actually good. Serviceable, at least.
So yes, I’m all over the Washington moneyline tonight. I’ve already hammered it. I also played the over on the Washington team total of 24.5. Maybe I’m wrong. And if I am I’m sure the fellas over at BroBible will let everyone know for a couple cheap clicks. I get it. But we’ll see.
Anyway, all that to say Michael Penix Jr. is a beast and girlfriend Olivia Carter deserves her spot at the front of the class today. Big game for her, too, you know.
Welcome, Olivia!
Stephanie Niles has graduated, let’s give her a round of applause!
Go get ’em tonight, Livvy! Can’t wait to see you in the NFL in a few months. Let’s hope you last longer than Gia Duddy.
Speaking of Nightcaps OGs … how about the day for Stephanie Niles yesterday?! She started out as a tiny little caterpillar here in class way back on Sept. 25, and now she’s a full blown NFL superstar. She even got the Screencaps treatment this morning from my new boss Joe (still don’t know if that’s true or not but I’d rather be safe than sorry).
Anyway, before we congratulate Stephanie officially here at Nightcaps, I also want to thank Joe Mixon. He got me the first leg of my three-leg anytime TD parlay yesterday pretty quickly, so I appreciate that.
Lions RB David Montgomery secured the second leg in the second half against Minnesota, and my third and final leg was Jamaal Williams.
And that SUCKED for about three hours yesterday afternoon, because Derek Carr refused to not throw touchdown passes and the Saints refused to give the ball to Jamaal at the goal line.
So I assumed I was cooked. Hot streak over. Back to the drawing board.
And then …
This was insane and hilarious from Jameis Winston.
He said he overruled the coach Dennis Allen at the end of the #Falcons game to take a knee and instead scored a TD as a “Team decision.”
pic.twitter.com/blw8O5GJMNhttps://t.co/qCjeQ7pgu5
— Dov Kleiman (@NFL_DovKleiman) January 8, 2024
A great weekend for flying and for aliens!
Jameis Winston is officially elite in my book. I owe him a crapload of money from yesterday, but he’s doing just fine on his own. Crab legs on me next time you’re in town, Jameis!
As for Stephanie — what a climb! And just for good measure, look at this PR email I got just this morning:
Stephanie Niles, the wife of Bengals QB Jake Browning, became an overnight sensation after attending the game in a stunning fashion statement that captivated the crowd and social media alike. In a daring ensemble featuring a tight white spandex suit and a vibrant orange furry bucket hat, Stephanie managed to do more than turn heads—she sparked a viral sensation.
What’s truly remarkable is the astonishing surge in her social media presence. Within a matter of hours, Stephanie’s follower count has more than doubled, signaling a groundbreaking shift in her online presence and influence. Fans and fashion enthusiasts alike are wanting to learn more about her bold style choices.
I’m just sad the season’s over and Joe Burrow will be back next season. Love Joe, but feel like we’re sacrificing too much to get him back at this point.
Free Jake Browning, you cowards!
OK, couple quickies from the sky before we take a sitting leak on the way out.
First up? Big weekend for Alaska Airlines, which blew a door mid-flight and had to turn all the way around with a gaping (hey!) hole in the side of the plane.
Nobody got sucked out, which is always a good thing. They did lose a couple phones, though …
I mean, what a day for the iPhone! Talk about some free marketing. Good for Apple. If anyone needs some publicity and more money, it’s them. Love when the small guy wins!
Finally, how about the aliens at Bayside down in Miami over the weekend? Allegedly, of course …
OutKick readers love a good sitdown pee
Sure thing! Nothing weird going on there. Nothing to see.
Side note: please don’t murder me, if you’re reading this. My new boss is Joe Kinsey. Talk to him!
OK. Let’s head to the mail before we head into the new week, and it’s all about pissing while sitting. For those who missed Friday’s class, Florida Kenny wrote to let everyone know that guys need to start admitting that sitting down to pee is the far superior option.
I agreed with him, with the caveat that it has to be in the middle of the night because you can’t see anything and that’s a dangerous little game.
Turns out, you guys just wanna take a seat all damn day — rain or shine!
From Mike:
My 60-year old plumbing often REQUIRES a sit down, night-time or otherwise. I do stand when I can—usually between the hours on 10 AM and 6 PM when my system is in tip-top condition. Else I do my lovely wife a favor and park it.
Love your column,
Mike.
Thanks, Mike! You sound like a Man of the People. Happy wife, happy life. Smart move. Park away!
From Pete:
The sit down pee is a MUST at NIGHT especially for those of us over 50! It accomplishes 3 things: First, it keeps the pee off the floor, second, it keeps the pee off my shorts and legs and third you don’t have to wipe down the rim of the toilet!
Almost forgot to add that if you do the sit down pee at NIGHT you will NEVER get in trouble again from your spouse or girlfriend for not putting the seat down.
Pete in FL.
Thanks, Pete! Again, 100% agree. The nighttime sit is a must. I don’t know that I’m ready to fully commit to it when the sun’s out, though. Just feels like a line I’m not yet ready to cross at 30.
Between the bad back, constant drinking and refusal to work out, I reckon I’m not too far away from it, but I’d like to push it off just a bit longer if possible.
Paige Spiranac and Marshawn Lynch take us into the week
OK, feels like that’s enough for today. I’ve got a raging cold getting worse by the hour and, unlike Howard Stern, I’ve got things to do and places to be.
On the way out, enjoy Paige Spiranac cheering on Michigan and Marshawn Lynch running through the entire Saints defense.
Can’t believe it’s been 13 years already!
Let’s go have a week.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Is Michael Penix Jr. gonna make me look smart this time tomorrow? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.
The post Michael Penix Jr. (And His Girlfriend) Is Ready For Michigan, Stephanie Niles Graduates Class & Guys Are Pro-Sit ‘N Pee appeared first on OutKick.
